It's Not My Music To Sing.

I've been home for a week. An incredibly fast-paced, but long week.
I was back on my old turf, roaming the back halls of my high school auditorium as an alumni and a theater enthusiast. Last year, I owned that place. Obviously, I didn't literally own it, but I was a stage manager and a student director during my senior year so I thought I owned the place. I knew where everything was, I've tried my hand at every "techie" aspect, even some acting and if something wasn't done a few hours before the show, I was most likely the one picking up slack, rushing to get everything done. I lived in that theater, breathed the paint fumes and embraced the saw dust in my hair. I thought that when I came in to help out this week, things would be the way I had left them. Oh contraire, my dear friend.
Everything was different and I couldn't grasp it. I wasn't in control, I wasn't rushing around to save the day and not everyone knew who I was or what I had done for the musical in previous years. The thing that slapped me across the face was that the relationships I had with people were totally different. They were distant, I was distant. I watched from afar this week and it was weird. That had been my sanctuary for four years, my turf. They had moved on and survived without me and I didn't like the feeling it brought to my heart. I felt like a mom sending her kids to college or a bird teaching it's babies how to fly; I had to wait and see if they could do it. Voila, they did! Selfishly, I didn't like it. Selfishly, I sat around thinking of ways I could be a part of the musical again and ways to have the relationships I had before. But it's not who I am anymore, it's not my sanctuary anymore, it's not my show to keep in grips anymore. They are their own people, just as I am my own person. They are growing up and moving on, just as I am growing up and moving on. That doesn't make it any easier to see other people having the bonding experiences with your close friends and realize that you don't fit into each other's lives like you used to. It hurts, in fact.It leaves me in the same lonely place that consumed me the first two years of high school.

There are so many emotions and thoughts running through my head right now and I don't even know how to handle any of them, so I give them to God. And at this point in time, all I know is that it's time to let go because its not my music to sing.

Fronts

There are a lot of things in this world that can hurt us, a lot of things that will intentionally hurt us, but its usually the things or people we least expect that hurt us.

I'm a girl living in a man's world, but that doesn't stop me from taking a gym class where I'm the only girl and being on a men's college soccer team. I'm one of the guys. On top of that, I grew up with two older brothers who taught me how to put up with crap that people throw my way and how to throw punches when need be. I'm tough. I have thick skin. I can take it.
I can take a good amount of roughing up without being emotionally or physically damaged. In terms of the bigger things that effect me emotionally, I take it like a man in today's society would do- I avoid it. Avoiding is easier than confronting, right? If I avoid the fact that I don't have the father I want and need, then I won't have deal with the emotional pain of a money-oriented, but absent father, right? If I avoid the fact that my brothers do things that I'm ashamed of, then they won't have ever done anything illegal ever, right? If I avoid the fact that I'm still and always will be insecure about every little bit of myself because I was made fun of on a regular basis throughout my life, then I'll be "normal" according to society, right? And if I avoid the fact that the guy that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with is in love with someone else, sees me as an option but is unsure about where our relationship could go and could potentially break my heart, then I'll be the love his life and we'll be married tomorrow, right?

I don't think I've ever heard more untrue statements in my life.
Vulnerability is my biggest fear and I would go as far as to say I hate it. I hate exposing my heart in the fear that it might possibly end up broken. When I'm vulnerable, I'm less likely to trust completely no matter how much I want to.

I don't want to end up broken.

Three little words

First of all, I would like to ask you to please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors I make, seeing as I am attempting to type this from my phone. Second, I would like to tell you about this past week because my life has changed so wonderfully and dramatically. I am at CIY (Christ In Youth) Move which has challenged me and changed me beyond my expectations. I have had a lot of issues with my relationship with my friends, my father and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, most of which stem from the grand idea of fatherlessness. I don't mean grand as in great, fabulous, cool but rather the hard to imagine idea of fatherlessness. For me, fatherlessness was and is not unusual. Many of the pastors we have heard from throughout the week have mentioned this idea and that fatherlessness leads to many pains including the issues of trust and lost identity. As a young woman, I know that I had and will always struggle with trusting people and my God as they should be trusted and also that I sought my identity in things like my sexuality (not necessarily promiscuity) and boys and material items because my father was not there to teach me how guys should treat me and how I should love God. For a really long time I was bitter and angry towards my dad and I had no idea how to let go of it. After a while it actually became a part of me and defined my actions and reactions. You may be able to relate to this and whether you do or not, you're probably going to think I'm crazy for what I say next. I have forgiven and I have let go and boy was it hard. Not only that, but I've let go of the bitterness I held towards past relationships. Let me tell you, it is freeing. And there are three little words that I'm totally and utterly convinced of after this week: God is real. I'm not one to share my faith and relationship with Him openly, but man I have changed so much for the better in only one week and in my mind there is no there reasonable explanation than Jesus Christ Himself. Can I get an Amen?!

"Bitterness is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die"

Cross

This thing that hangs around my neck. Yeah, its empty.
Empty meaning, empty thoughts, empty love for something that I want and need so deeply.
It meant a lot when I had to fight for it, but I took the easy way out.
I'm a coward for running, for slipping through the cracks.
I'm fed up, not with anything or anyone but myself.
I've been telling myself over and over that its just a phase, that it'll pass. And it doesn't.
I'm challenged constantly so I'm scared, paralyzed.
The pure life I could attempt to live is passing me by in a whirlwind,
As the materialistic cross that once reminded me who I was, lies on my chest trying to bring me back to life.

Worldly Matters

Why is it that we live in a society where losing your phone is more profound than losing your virginity? To be honest it really pisses me off. Why can't your body be a sanctuary for you, your future husband/wife and the one who made it (God)? Virginity is one of those things that is taken for granted. Guys and girls alike lack self-respect now-a-days and I don't fully understand why. As soon as a guy takes off his shirt to reveal his abs, some girl hops into bed with him and calls it love. And when he doesn't call, her heart is broken, so the cycle starts all over again. Okay, I understand that this situation is a bit extreme, but it illustrates how people can lack self-respect (and it's not just girls). For some-guys and girls-sex is a tool to "heal" themselves or whatever. I can't read minds, so I don't really know what goes on their heads, but here's a guy who has been through this struggle...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlJFvxad1_A

Powerful, right?
A few months ago, there were some guys in my lunch hour who were rating the hottest girls in the school. Pretty shallow if you ask me, but who am I to judge. The girl at the top of the list is the girl is known as the school sl**. Harsh, I know. But it shows how little respect guys have for girls because of the lack of respect girls have for themselves.


On another note, it really frustrates me when society looks the other way with underage drinking, marijuana, and recreational drug use. I had a friendly, heated discussion with a recently graduated high school student on this subject when he offered my friend (a sophomore in high school) the opportunity to "get crunk" with him and his friends, claiming that he would protect her like a sister if she joined them. Crunk isn't a word. If he's going to offer that sort of opportunity to an underage girl (especially when he's still underage himself), he should at least own up to what he's doing, don't you think? Anyways, I've heard numerous times that older generations complain about my generation. First of all, I think they've forgotten who raised us. They passed their beliefs onto our parents and/or us. They can't blame us for their poor parenting or/and communication skills. Second, there is minority-which I'm proud to be apart of- who somewhat disown the generation our elders see. We're people too, not just numbers or statistics. However, I am glad that I'm not the only one fed up with people my age. And even though a chunk of my generation are the numbers and the statistics, I do believe that we're going to be the generation to make a huge, powerful and positive impact in this world.

Unlikely, but true.

The Gluttony of America

I believe that gluttony in America is a huge problem.


Yesterday, people stuffed their faces with delicious, home cooked food. This morning (or last night, rather) we stuffed corporate America's pockets. 
Gluttony is defined as "over-indulgence and over consumption of food, drink, intoxicants or wealth items to the point of extravagance or waste." Yeah, that's America for you.
Why is that we feel the need to stuff our faces and spend millions of dollars in one day? What are we over compensating for? 
I don't have a clear answer to the first question, but the second one seems simple enough: our lives are unfulfilled. We think that a day at the mall can fix the sadness and anger that comes with a cheating husband or brand name clothing can stop a child from being bullied. Reality check- money can't fix much of anything. We can over-indulge all we want, but that won't save a starving child in Africa. We can buy our kids mountains of clothing, but that won't keep our homeless warm in the dead of winter. Theres a reason why we're the most expensive country in the world, there is a reason why America is the fattest country in the world, and I suppose there is a reason behind my ranting.
Ghandi once said "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Maybe, just maybe, if we stopped stuffing our faces and didn't place ourselves inside of horrible stereotypes, this world could be (I hate to be cliche, but here it is) a better place. The choice is ours.

Fools Fall in Love

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Its been the same for me all along. I haven't been hiding anything and I courageously gave you my heart. I realize I don't know much about love, if anything. This seems pretty darn close to all those books I've read and movies I've seen. But you won't talk like you mean it, you won't commit like you mean it. So what am I to do? I'll give you some time to think, some time alone. Maybe then you'll see what we are really supposed to be.
I want to be done with this foolish love, I want to be done with this heartache. I'll wear my heart on my sleeve soon enough, but it takes time for these wounds to heal.
But every time I turn around I'm reminded of you and I realize I don't want to be done with you. We're not supposed to give up on the ones we love.
This could just be my imagination running wild and this may not really be love, but I don't want to give up until I know thats true.