It's Not My Music To Sing.

I've been home for a week. An incredibly fast-paced, but long week.
I was back on my old turf, roaming the back halls of my high school auditorium as an alumni and a theater enthusiast. Last year, I owned that place. Obviously, I didn't literally own it, but I was a stage manager and a student director during my senior year so I thought I owned the place. I knew where everything was, I've tried my hand at every "techie" aspect, even some acting and if something wasn't done a few hours before the show, I was most likely the one picking up slack, rushing to get everything done. I lived in that theater, breathed the paint fumes and embraced the saw dust in my hair. I thought that when I came in to help out this week, things would be the way I had left them. Oh contraire, my dear friend.
Everything was different and I couldn't grasp it. I wasn't in control, I wasn't rushing around to save the day and not everyone knew who I was or what I had done for the musical in previous years. The thing that slapped me across the face was that the relationships I had with people were totally different. They were distant, I was distant. I watched from afar this week and it was weird. That had been my sanctuary for four years, my turf. They had moved on and survived without me and I didn't like the feeling it brought to my heart. I felt like a mom sending her kids to college or a bird teaching it's babies how to fly; I had to wait and see if they could do it. Voila, they did! Selfishly, I didn't like it. Selfishly, I sat around thinking of ways I could be a part of the musical again and ways to have the relationships I had before. But it's not who I am anymore, it's not my sanctuary anymore, it's not my show to keep in grips anymore. They are their own people, just as I am my own person. They are growing up and moving on, just as I am growing up and moving on. That doesn't make it any easier to see other people having the bonding experiences with your close friends and realize that you don't fit into each other's lives like you used to. It hurts, in fact.It leaves me in the same lonely place that consumed me the first two years of high school.

There are so many emotions and thoughts running through my head right now and I don't even know how to handle any of them, so I give them to God. And at this point in time, all I know is that it's time to let go because its not my music to sing.