Fronts

There are a lot of things in this world that can hurt us, a lot of things that will intentionally hurt us, but its usually the things or people we least expect that hurt us.

I'm a girl living in a man's world, but that doesn't stop me from taking a gym class where I'm the only girl and being on a men's college soccer team. I'm one of the guys. On top of that, I grew up with two older brothers who taught me how to put up with crap that people throw my way and how to throw punches when need be. I'm tough. I have thick skin. I can take it.
I can take a good amount of roughing up without being emotionally or physically damaged. In terms of the bigger things that effect me emotionally, I take it like a man in today's society would do- I avoid it. Avoiding is easier than confronting, right? If I avoid the fact that I don't have the father I want and need, then I won't have deal with the emotional pain of a money-oriented, but absent father, right? If I avoid the fact that my brothers do things that I'm ashamed of, then they won't have ever done anything illegal ever, right? If I avoid the fact that I'm still and always will be insecure about every little bit of myself because I was made fun of on a regular basis throughout my life, then I'll be "normal" according to society, right? And if I avoid the fact that the guy that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with is in love with someone else, sees me as an option but is unsure about where our relationship could go and could potentially break my heart, then I'll be the love his life and we'll be married tomorrow, right?

I don't think I've ever heard more untrue statements in my life.
Vulnerability is my biggest fear and I would go as far as to say I hate it. I hate exposing my heart in the fear that it might possibly end up broken. When I'm vulnerable, I'm less likely to trust completely no matter how much I want to.

I don't want to end up broken.